Dear Annie: I read a letter in your column about inheritance issues, and I wanted to share my story. My mother secretly transferred a $930,000 beach house to my single brother a few years ago. We found that out when we were trying to find funding for my father’s nursing home.
His argument was that he has no family or children like me and my other brother.
This brother also decided to quit working in his mid-40s and take up swimming, diving and fishing, while my other brother is a Fortune 500 executive and I have my own logistics company. He often makes fun of us for working so hard and the problems he brings to our health while he lives well because of his free time and less stress.
My other brother and I have had decades of work and the usual dedication and invisible struggle that goes along with construction success, but in my family, no one appreciates these things. Any question about transfers and privacy is met with gaslighting about the fact that “we don’t need money” and suggestions that we are “greedy.”
Annie, this home has been in this family for 100 years and is not for sale. I also know that my mother could not complete this transfer alone; he can’t even pay his debts himself.
The problem is that I am struggling to communicate with my mother now. Our daily back and forth messages have completely dried up. I am so moved by anything he sends that I can’t read it. (He acts as if nothing has happened so the messages are about everyday matters.) He has not tried to solve anything. I feel like I could spend the rest of his life without seeing him again, which scared me. I had reduced my visits to other people as he often teased me about my weight. My children are only three years away from graduating from high school, and I have reduced my work commitments and planned to spend more time with my mother in the last ten years of her life. home.
This situation has brought hatred and trouble for decades in our family, and the brother who receives the land does not talk about it. He has promoted his lack of a good retirement plan, and he knows it.
I also send a monthly allowance ($1,500) to my parents, which I have done for four years. I know they need it. Am I wrong to be upset that my mother can do what she wants with her money? But it sends me the message that I don’t care. If he had no problem with his reasons, why would he keep it a secret?
Do I stop sending money?
How can I move on from this? And decide if this is the terminal for our relationship? Is it wrong to not want to see my brother again and consider him a thief? — Inheritance Problems
Dear Inheritance Problems: Although your mother has the right to manage her finances as she sees fit, it is natural for you to feel pained by the arbitrary treatment.
If you choose to stop sending him money, communicate your decision respectfully and clearly, explaining your reasons without blaming. Regardless, for any hope of reconciliation, it is important that you talk to him openly about your hurt feelings.
Regarding your relationship with your sibling, it is understandable that you may feel down and frustrated. It’s okay to need space from him while you work through your feelings, but know that holding on to anger and resentment can hurt you in the end. You chose to work and build a successful real estate company; you can appreciate that success and all it has brought you without insulting your brother’s surfing lifestyle.
Talk to him openly again, explain your side of the situation without blaming him. Through honest communication and empathy, you will be able to find common ground.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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